ADJUDGED to be the font of all queer knowledge, local ‘did you know Sarah’s a lesbian?’ office lesbian Sarah Fenton has been asked to ‘explain’ Chappell Roan, a popstar seemingly so mysterious, confusing and unknowing to her colleagues they deem her recent surge in fame hard to grasp.
“No I like get she’s a singer, a popstar or whatever but should I like her more? She’s all over my TikTok feed, I presume it’s paid for by a record company, doesn’t seem organic to me. Do you all get together and plan to make her big. Are all the songs about scissoring?” coworkers delicately inquired of Fenton, who has personally never mentioned the ‘Femininomenon’ singer.
Aware that when curiosity gets the better of her coworkers they may never stop with the questions, Fenton placed a ‘Chappell Roan questions’ box in the staff kitchen which she promised to reply to by the end of the month.
“Christ, ‘What’s with her make up?’, ‘Don’t HR me now but I’m guessing she has pronouns’, ‘would you be one of the stalkers she’s giving out about? I’m not sure she’s stalk-worthy myself but sure they don’t make popstars like they used to’, why is this my life?” sighed Fenton as she looked through the first of hundreds of ‘queeries’.
“Billie Eilish singing about cunnilingus and now this David Chappelle one, you must be delighted,” said office stalwart Denis Lang, displaying a worrying knowledge of popstars for a 66-year-old while interrupting Fenton’s presentation to clients in the process.
