Jeanne Phillips
DEAR ABBY: My older daughter, “Brianna,” age 42, does not want anything to do with me or her brother and sister-in-law. She keeps me from my granddaughter, who is 17. I have been divorced since the ’90s and remarried for 25 years. My first husband was a cheater. I tried very hard to save my first marriage. We got back together six months later, but he walked out again.
When I remarried, Brianna wasn’t happy. I have another daughter, age 24, with my current husband. Brianna wants nothing to do with any of us. I wrote her and said I was sorry for the divorce. She has never mentioned anything about my letter. I have to leave gifts to my granddaughter at the front door. This hurts so bad. Everyone says let them go. I love them so much. What do you think? — ESTRANGED MOM IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR MOM: I think your granddaughter will be 18 very soon, and an adult. IF her mother hasn’t diverted those gifts you have been leaving, she knows she has a grandmother who loves her. The ball will be in her court as to whether to make contact with you. (I hope she will.) If, however, she doesn’t do that, you are going to have to turn your eyes forward and let her and your daughter live their lives, while you concentrate on what is healthy for YOU.
If you need interaction with younger people, volunteer some time where it will make a difference. If your interests lie elsewhere, devote some of your extra time and effort in that direction. Your pain may lessen if you give yourself less time to dwell on it.
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DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, I began a friendship with a woman at my church. She had children a few years older than my daughter. The friendship seemed mutually satisfying for a long time, although I noticed on many occasions that my friend seemed entitled and demanding where her children were concerned. I overlooked it until it affected me.
I realized over time that she had manipulated and lied to keep my daughter away from hers at teen social events because my daughter had been labeled “annoying.” There was also other deceptive behavior.
These betrayals, combined with realizing that we don’t agree on many subjects, has made me lose interest in the friendship. However, she doesn’t seem to share my feelings. She still frequently invites me to lunch (which I refuse) and initiates “friendly” conversations.
Confronting her about her behavior would result in denials and a big blowup. How can I bring an end to this fake friendship? — NOT INTERESTED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR NOT INTERESTED: Since you no longer wish to continue to have a relationship with this woman, the quickest way to end it would be to tell her exactly what you have learned about how your daughter was treated and that you feel appalled and betrayed. Whether she “blows up” and denies it is irrelevant.
If you can’t bring yourself to confront her, then drag it out by continuing to be “too busy” to see her or to have those “friendly” conversations.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
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Kind gesture by couple turns flat into friend’s love nest
