Gabby Logan says she is still "blindsided" by grief over the tragic death of her brother nearly 30 years ago.
The presenter, who is also the daughter of former Wales football manager Terry Yorath, heartbreakingly lost her younger brother Daniel in 1992 when he was just 15. The seemingly fit and healthy teenager died after collapsing due to a heart condition - hypertrophic cardiomyopathy - while playing football with his dad in his garden.
Logan, who was just 19 at the time, has spoken openly and honestly about the tragedy before, describing it as "a sledgehammer [that] shattered the family into a million pieces".
READ MORE: Gabby Logan marriage 'regret' after husband's shock cancer diagnosis and wild Alan Shearer affair rumours
READ MORE: BBC Match of the Day pundit disappeared from TV after the Euros to become a preacher
"We had no warning," she told The Game Changers podcast. "He had a congenital heart defect which meant that from the outside and ostensibly his fitness was just beyond you know. He was in the top 0.00 per cent. His heart was enlarged and basically was about to give way and pack up on him but there were no signs at all.
"He was never breathless. When he did die, he died in the garden playing football with my dad. He was just kicking the ball about and keeled over. It was absolutely cataclysmic. It defined the rest of our youth and has defined how the family has gone on from those years and it leaves its mark in many ways. It was a really hard time for everybody and to this day the ramifications are still there."
Now 51, Logan admits that she can still be occasionally thrown by grief at odd moments, with a recent interaction with a son's friend leaving her in tears. In a recent interview with Fabulous, she explained: “Grief blindsides you. You think everything’s OK and then you’ll just have a moment.
"Last week, a friend of my son’s came over. He had lost his sister in almost the same circumstances as me. He’s 19 and she was 16. I’d met him when they started playing rugby together, and I said: ‘Do you have siblings?’. He paused and said ‘I’ve got three, but one died.’
"It was only nine months ago, and when he finished describing her, I said: ‘I’m so pleased you said you had three and you didn’t feel like you had to deny her existence.’ Then I told him why and how brave that was. I was telling my mum afterwards and I burst into tears.
“It’s over 30 years since my brother died, but when you lose somebody you have immediate sadness, and then it can just throw you again any time. Often I can talk really matter of factly, but other times..."
She added: “For the first few months after [Daniel] died, I went into this feeling of: ‘That was a really s**t, unfair thing to happen and life could just change in a heartbeat’. I could have thought: ‘Life is rubbish and I’m going to sit on my arse for the rest of it.’ But I went into this ‘living for two’ mindset.
"I later spoke to therapists and found a healthier way to honour him, which is to be motivated and driven, but in a way that’s not so full-on. His presence never goes away. Everybody’s on a different journey in grief and they take different routes, but I think it’s positive to keep the memory alive.”
The loss of Daniel also saw Logan's football manager father - who also had spells in charge of Swansea City and Cardiff City - turn to drink as he narrowly avoided jail for crashing into a woman while three times over the limit in 2004. He blamed his "stupidity" on his personal heartache, with his heavy drinking sessions also leading to the breakdown of his 33-year marriage to childhood sweetheart Christine.
"I enjoyed being with Daniel and it was mutual. He was the light of my life," said Yorath, now 74. "At first I thought I could control my own grief. I didn't want to share it with anyone. I didn't want to communicate, even at home. I would wrap myself in silence. Christine tried to get through to me but I am stubborn. You just want to close your eyes and your ears and follow your nose.
"Maybe I am not brave enough to go to counselling in case it hurts more. And I think I don't really want to leave my grief behind, even though it doesn't do my life any good. The picture I have in my mind of Daniel falling torments me, but just before he fell was the last time I saw him alive."
